Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin
The Hidden Link Between Binge Eating and Loneliness
Table of Contents
- Lonely Eating and Foods That Fill
- Loneliness, Social Media, and Shame
- Social Anxiety and the Fear of Connection
- When Food Replaces People
- Feeling Lonely When You’re Not Alone
- From Loneliness to Solitude
- How to Build Connection (Even if It Feels Hard)
- Conclusion
- Frequently Asked Questions: Understanding Lonely Eating
Most people have felt lonely at times. That’s part of being human. But when loneliness becomes the norm, it can lead to binge eating.
Binge eating involves consuming large amounts of food in a short time, often in response to restriction or difficult emotional states. Eating to cope with loneliness is one of the common reasons behind binge eating.
Lonely Eating and Foods That Fill
If your go-to foods when you eat for comfort are usually bread, pasta, pizza, cake, muffins, or burgers, you might be trying to fill more than just your stomach.
Foods that are physically filling often point to a deeper kind of emptiness. It’s not just that you like the taste. Symbolically, those foods take up space, so eating them can be an unconscious way of filling a void, of trying to resolve the ache of loneliness with food.
After all, when we’re lonely, it’s not only emotional discomfort, it’s a physical sensation. We feel the ache of loneliness in our bodies and we feel empty. Eating can feel like an attempt to soothe that pain and to feel full when you’re actually emotionally empty.
Reflection prompt: When you find yourself craving these kinds of foods, ask: Am I hungry for food, or am I hungry for connection?
Loneliness, Social Media, and Shame
Consider whether you’re feeling disconnected from others. Are you yearning for deeper conversations, greater intimacy, or a stronger sense of belonging? Sometimes we don’t even realize how lonely we feel until we take a closer look at our lives.
Social media adds another layer to the problem, offering the illusion of connection: likes, comments, and messages. But that doesn’t translate into friendships in real life. In fact, seeing everyone else’s highlight reel can leave you feeling more isolated than ever. You might think, “Everyone else is happy and connected. What’s wrong with me?”
That belief that something may be wrong with you is the basis of shame, which leads to isolation, which in turn can lead to binge eating as a way to cope. Bingeing comforts, fills, and distracts from the deeper pain of loneliness, but also causes shame, and the cycle continues.
Social Anxiety and the Fear of Connection
There’s a lot of advice out there for people who feel lonely. Common recommendations include: “Just put yourself out there. Go to meetups. Join a club. Be more social.”
But what if being around others is exactly what makes you anxious? Many people feel that they have to be a certain way to be accepted. They believe they should be more outgoing, confident, or put together. This is where social media pressure and self-comparison can feed into social anxiety.
I call this the Wizard of Oz syndrome.
The Wizard of Oz believed that no one would respect the real man behind the curtain. He thought he needed to be bigger than life to be taken seriously. But in the end, it was his humanity, not his showmanship, that made him lovable.
If you’re hiding parts of yourself because you think they’re unlikable, it’s worth asking: Where did I learn to believe that?
Reflection prompt: Think about a trait you don’t like in yourself. If a close friend had that same trait, would you judge them or would you offer kindness and compassion?
When Food Replaces People
Loneliness is painful and sometimes we unconsciously convert that emotional pain into physical pain by eating until it hurts.
Why? Because physical pain is tangible. It’s easier to manage a stomachache than a broken heart. It’s easier to say “I feel sick to my stomach” than “I feel lonely.”
We see this in kids all the time. They don’t say, “I’m anxious about school.” They say, “My tummy hurts.” When my daughter was around eight, she kept complaining about stomach pain. I ruled out every possibility. It wasn’t food poisoning, the flu, or allergies. It turned out she was nervous about starting at a new dance academy. Once she talked about her fears, the pain disappeared.
That’s the power of emotional truth. When you name it, you can heal it. By facing and processing what’s eating at you, you stop needing to use food as a distraction or numbing tool.
Feeling Lonely When You’re Not Alone
Some of the most painful experiences of loneliness happen within relationships, not outside of them. You might have friends, a partner, and co-workers. You may share your life with someone. But if you don’t feel seen, heard, and known, that absence of connection can feel deeply lonely.
Many people use food not to cope with being alone, but to cope with the pain of disconnection in their relationships. When your emotional needs aren’t being met by the people around you, food can become a substitute.
People can be unreliable, unpredictable, and unavailable but food is a constant. It’s reliable, predictable, and available. Sometimes, eating until the point of fullness is not just about filling the void but about transforming pain.
Eating until it hurts is not a lack of control. It’s a way to take the emotional hurt and turn it into something physical because physical pain is more manageable than pain in the soul.
From Loneliness to Solitude
There’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Loneliness is the painful experience of disconnection, along with the belief that no one sees you, hears you, or truly knows you.
Solitude, on the other hand, is a powerful state of being with yourself. Solitude gives you the space to hear your own thoughts, to check in with yourself and feel your emotions instead of avoiding them.
But being able to be alone with a supportive, reassuring part of yourself is one of the most important skills you can learn. It helps you break the cycle of turning to food for comfort.
Practices that nurture solitude:
- A walk around your neighborhood while listening to music
- Journaling your thoughts without judgment
- Spending time in nature and letting your mind slow down
- Engaging in creative hobbies that bring you joy
- Watching the sky change color at sunset and remembering that peace is possible
When you learn to enjoy your own company, you stop needing food to keep you company.
How to Build Connection (Even if It Feels Hard)
If you didn’t grow up in a connected, emotionally supportive environment, it’s easy to believe you’ll always feel alone. But just because you didn’t feel like you fit in with your original group, your family, doesn’t mean you can’t find people who truly get you now.
Start by finding places where people come together around shared interests:
- Join a club, class, or workshop
- Volunteer for a cause that matters to you
- Attend local events or talks that speak to your passions
- Explore online communities that offer real connection, not just scrolling
- Reconnect with people you’ve lost touch with
And remember, real connection isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being authentic because we’re all perfectly imperfect. That’s what makes relationships real.
Conclusion
Binge eating and loneliness are intertwined because food offers a temporary way to cope. But the emptiness always comes back because it is never about food. It’s about hunger for connection, for understanding, for love.
That kind of connection is possible. Not overnight. Not all at once. But step by step, when you proceed with curiosity instead of criticism, you can begin to heal and give yourself what you truly need: compassion, connection, and love.
Frequently Asked Questions: Understanding Lonely Eating
How do I know if I’m eating because I’m lonely or just hungry?
Ask yourself: When did the craving start? If you’re not physically hungry but still feel an urge to eat, pause and check in with your emotions. Are you feeling disconnected, sad, or overwhelmed? Emotional hunger tends to come on suddenly and is specific to certain comfort foods.
What if I live alone or don’t have close relationships?
Loneliness doesn’t have to be permanent. It starts with connection to yourself, to your passions, to your community. Start small. One conversation. One shared interest. One moment of genuine connection. You don’t need a huge circle you just need real ones.
Can I still eat comforting foods without emotionally eating?
Yes! The key difference is why you’re eating. If you’re eating to soothe or avoid a feeling, that’s emotional eating. If you’re enjoying food for its taste and nourishment, that’s very different. You can absolutely enjoy mac and cheese. Just make sure it’s your stomach that’s hungry not your heart.
I feel ashamed after eating when I’m lonely. How do I stop?
Shame keeps you stuck. Compassion sets you free. If you find yourself eating to cope with loneliness, recognize it without judgment. Then ask, What am I really needing right now? Connection? Comfort? Expression? Once you name the feeling, you can begin to meet the need without food.
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The Author
Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin is a renowned author and podcast host and one of the nation’s leading psychoanalysts known for the psychology of eating. Her signature message of, “It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating ‘at’ you” has resonated with hundreds of thousands of listeners from around the globe in 40 countries. As founder of The Binge Cure Method, she guides emotional eaters to create lasting food freedom so they can take back control of their lives and feel good in their bodies.
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