Don’t Set Yourself On Fire To Keep Someone Else Warm!

Transcript

Speaker 1:
Irreverent, entertaining, cool, you're listening to LA Talk Radio.

Speaker 2:
You're listening to the Dr. Nina Show with Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin, only on LA Talk Radio.

Dr. Nina:
Hey there. Welcome to the Dr. Nina Show here on LA Talk Radio and Instagram. I'm your host, Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin. I am here to help you stop counting calories, carbs, and fat grams so you can easily get to a healthier weight and get on with your life. That is my mission. I want to help you wake up and think about your day, not your diet.

Dr. Nina:
If you want to call in and talk with me, the number here is 323-203-0815. That is 323-203-0815. You'll be connected with my engineer [Ronan 00:01:15] and he will patch you through to me. I can't wait to hear what is on your mind, what is weighing on you. The real problem with binge eating, stress eating, and any kind of emotional eating, the real problem is not food. The problem is what is eating at you. What is eating at you. Call in and let me know. If you're on Instagram, you can also just post a question in the comments. I got a message that said, “Hey, you started talking about ways to feel good about yourself,” and … Ope, we already have [Karlygash 00:01:55] calling. I'm going to hold that thought and get back to it. Hi, Carly Gash.

Karlygash:
Hello.

Dr. Nina:
Hi, Karlygash. What's going on?

Karlygash:
Hi, Dr. Nina. It's a lot of interesting things are going on. I was reading this psychoanalytical book, yours and the one you co-edited. I started understanding how the whole psyche works. Yesterday I woke up, I had my breakfast and I couldn't eat more, although I have this habit of binging and going through the day, I couldn't push any extra piece into myself.

I was not hungry in the first place. I was not hungry and I just couldn't. The whole day passed. I know that I had to eat somewhere later in the day because I didn't want to because the day before I binged. Then I just didn't eat until the next morning. Then, today, I started eating and I ate a little more, breakfast and some carbs, I guess I just started freaking out because I woke up a little weak today, maybe because of hunger or whatever. I was not hungry. My body was weak but I didn't have physical hunger.

Dr. Nina:
May I interject that weakness and feeling weak that way can be a sign of physical hunger. Feeling lightheaded. If you ate breakfast and then you didn't eat anything else the rest of the day, that's also not good. That can set you up for a binge, actually, because you get so ravenous you can't stop eating. Feeling lightheaded or weak is a sign of physical hunger. It is not always that burgling … By the way, I want to say [Reagan 00:04:00] on Instagram is saying, “Hi, Maya, Kelly, and Karlygash, the girl gang is here.” Just wanted you to know you have some fellow Babesters who are here listening.

Karlygash:
Hi, Reagan, hi Babesters, so good to hear from you guys.

Dr. Nina:
Karlygash-

Karlygash:
You know … Huh? Excuse me.

Dr. Nina:
I would say that the focus that you have today is on what you're eating, but what about what you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you're wanting, what you're not wanting?

Karlygash:
The reason why I didn't eat yesterday and I didn't want to binge because the day before yesterday I had a very stressful day at work, some other person, they were attacking me in my personality like she always does. I was thinking yesterday why. I was really thinking what's going on? What is she triggering in me? Who does she remind me, that I am reacting so strongly and then I go and binge without thinking that what's gong on? I thought, started remembered her behavior and it turned out that it's my aunt, the devilish one, the one I was scared, it was the same psychically unhealthy behavior. I'm like no wonder I've been binging for so many months. No wonder I've been in a constant distress especially at the workplace. The next-

Dr. Nina:
Karlygash, I just want to pause, there are some people who are new listeners or may not be familiar with what you're talking about, so I just want to say that what you're saying, if I hear you correctly, is that you realized that there is someone at work who is very reminiscent of someone who was very hurtful to you in the past, your mean aunt, and that being in the presence of this person is stirring up so many intense feelings that you've been focusing on cakes without realizing that-

Karlygash:
It's not that I'm being … Yeah. This is correct. It's not only being in the presence. Being in the presence and having those feelings is a consequence, but she delivered attacks on me, verbal, she was passive aggressive, sarcastic, saying opinion of belittling me and disrespecting, devaluing all I do. All this classical bunch of shit, which my aunt and-

Dr. Nina:
You realized it.

Karlygash:
Huh?

Dr. Nina:
You realized it.

Karlygash:
Yeah. I couldn't get it.

Dr. Nina:
Wait. Let me just finish. What you're saying is you had this epiphany. You realized that you were getting triggered in the present and by the past, because this person in the present is familiar and that you were distracting yourself … By the way, I'm hearing a lot of background noise. Okay. You've been distracting yourself or soothing yourself, or comforting yourself, or all of the above, with binging, with cakes, and then once you realized this, that you were able to eat while you were hungry and not binge. That is a huge achievement. That's shows that once you realize what's eating at you, you can change.

Karlygash:
Yeah. That was a very interesting experience. For the first time in my life I was in touch … Yesterday I was the whole day in touch with myself to the point so when I came home and I was so tired by the end of the day, I was like I don't want to eat. All I want is just to have some sleep. I went to bed early. I took care of myself. I woke up early and I'm like I woke up so rested and happy.

Actually yesterday I was crying because it was the first time in my whole [inaudible 00:08:29] since I was a very little kid that I got in touch with myself and heard what I wanted. When I figure out that this person is clearly messing up, and it's not she reminds me … She does that, she does action which cause me distress and me feeling bad. I just when I [inaudible 00:08:49] did it happen, I decided in my own head is that I'm not going to let her toxicity in.

Then, instead of binging, I was not thinking to binge. I was thinking to stand up for myself. I shared in the group I did live, in Binge-Free Babes. Two girls joined, they were supporting me with talks, they were supported me with their comments. I felt so good after talking to them, really supportive loving people, my friends. Then I didn't binge that day. That was Monday. Yesterday I spent the whole day in touch with myself.

Dr. Nina:
Isn't that amazing, by the way. Hi, Josh, on Instagram. Good to see you here. Karlygash, isn't it amazing that when you share what's going on with you, when you shared your thoughts, your feelings, your anxieties, your hurt feelings, your angry feelings with somebody else and you are heard, isn't it interesting that that urge to binge goes away? Isn't it interesting that when you respond to you [inaudible 00:09:50], is like ditching yourself, it's like self-abandonment. Seems like you're doing it for yourself, but you're actually abandoning yourself.

When you show up for yourself and when you let other people show up for you and with you, guess what? Things with food change, too. That is a beautiful example of that. I'm so glad to hear that you're taking advantage of as you just said, you're a member of the Binge-Free Babes, you're joining in the Facebook group, you're sharing what's going on. Some of the other babes were just saying hi on Instagram. There's that sense of community and safety with other opportunity that you did not have growing up. When you have it, it feels safe with other people, you feel safe or you feel better or you feel as if you're comforted by others, and the world doesn't-

The group, they really see me for who I am and really they do respect me in my life. I love them so much. After that, I read the message. My mom sent me a message yesterday, but listened to it today. There was a bunch and she said, “Oh, don't worry about me.” I responded, “You know what? I'm not worrying about you. Don't say that. I'm not worried about you at all. It's your responsibility. Your life is your responsibility.”

Then I called my uncle who I have troubles with, too. The last attack from him was about three, four months ago when his wife left him after 16 years living with him, having four kids. She was also listening to some psychologist podcast. Then after that he sends me a voice message saying, “You know what? Don't send my girl kids any links on psychologists. Don't stuff their heads with this psychological bullshit.”

I'm like, “Of course I will do that. They've been living with an abuser. They need to get out somehow, at least in their own heads.” I never responded until I called now, three, four months later. We started talking and here again, what's going on? I'm like [inaudible 00:12:03]. He's like, “Of course you're just” … What did he say? He said, “Oh, it's some Jewish bullshit. They say well, the organization just need to sell those vaccines.” I'm like okay, here we go.

Then he called me by my childish name. I said, “My name is Karlygash. Don't call me by my childish nickname.” He said, “Well, for me you will always be this childish nickname.” I said, “Okay, let's listen to what he says next.” He's like, “Or what? Or what? Your psychologist, they're banning me from calling you your childish name? I cannot call you your childish nickname?” In less than one minute conversation he managed to abuse me a couple of times, be disrespectful, belittle me and be sarcastic.

Then I said, “What is this sarcasm for? Why are you doing this?” He's like, “That's all the psychologist taught you.” He tried to hang up for something, my phone glitched, and then I put down my phone and I was thinking of you saying, “Don't go to empty well hoping that there is water.” I think today that I knew that but today I want to finalize that if people are not developing themselves, are not working on themselves constantly, they're not going to do it. It's pretty much how they live life, they're going to do like the majority of them, especially toxic and hurtful ones.

Yeah. Karlygash, great job in standing up to your uncle. I would also say you're doing a great job of standing up to the internal bullies as well, because we have the external people who say horrible things to us. Josh from Instagram is saying that Borat makes fun of Kazakhstan and has a lot to say about the entire nation. Of course, we don't want to make generalized views of anyone, but we can say that-

Well, yeah, Josh, first of all, I want to make clear, I shared a lot about my country, but I really love my country and respect. People are nice there.

Dr. Nina:
Yes.

Karlygash:
I'm talking about particular people who hurt me.

Dr. Nina:
Specific people.

Karlygash:
I don't want the people to get the wrong message that I'm saying bad things about my country or people.

Dr. Nina:
You're not.

Karlygash:
I'm talking about specific group of people who hurt me.

Dr. Nina:
Yes. Good clarification.

Karlygash:
Some of things going on in society which each society has their own troubles, every developed, developing country has their own-

Dr. Nina:
Karlygash, great point. I need to move on, but before I move on I need to say to you, that this is a wonderful job of speaking up to other people who are bullying you and trying to put you down and call you by the childish name and just don't want to hear from you. You did a great job of standing up to that person. Listen for that kind of a voice within you, stand up to it within you as well. Make sure that you don't take that bullying from yourself, whether it's your uncle's voice, your aunt's voice, or anybody else's voice.

Make sure that you don't do that to yourself and take in as you are doing, the kind voices of other people. You're doing a wonderful job and it's great to hear you each week as you move through that process of feeling like helpless to cakes to now really realizing what's going on and why you were turning to cakes. I just want to say thank you for sharing with us and good clarification that not all people of any country are anything good or anything bad.

Karlygash:
Yeah. It's just because it's specifically mentioned so many times of talking about more negative past experiences in attempt to heal them and deal with them specifically on this show. It may sound that blah, blah, blah, but no. It's a great country. People are so great and so awesome. I'm dealing with what I'm dealing. Thank you so much. I'm standing up for myself in my head more and more. Still a lot of work to be done and really internalizing your kind voice and the girls' and all the people who text, send comments here on the show and Instagram. I really appreciate it. I just want to say that each time when I share I feel so bad, but I'm very grateful if my experience can help someone else.

Dr. Nina:
There are people out there who can relate to what it is like to be told that you're not the way you're supposed to be, who can relate to being disparaged and dismissed and who have internalized those voices and are mean to themselves and are now realizing, wait, you know what? I never say that to anyone else. I'm not going to say it to myself.

The whole key to changing your relationship with food is to change your relationship with yourself. When you are kind to yourself and supportive and you respond to yourself, it sounds so easy. It's so hard. It really is hard. When you are kind to yourself, then you give yourself comfort words instead of comfort food, and food stops becoming a problem and it just becomes something, a delicious part of life.

Someone the other day said, “Oh, food is fuel. It should only be fuel.” No. It should be enjoyed. Pleasures of life. You should enjoy it. I won't go off on that tangent. I just wanted to say if I was in the radio station, if I were at the studio I would be pressing my large crowd applause for you, Karlygash.

Karlygash:
Thank you. I will applaud for myself. Ooh.

Dr. Nina:
Thank you, Ronan. Ronan, awesome. Thank you. That was curtesy of Ronan, my amazing engineer. You deserve every clap. Thank you Karlygash and have a beautiful day and keep being nice to yourself.

Karlygash:
Thank you. Take care. Same thing, hugs and blessings.

Dr. Nina:
Bye, Karlygash. Aww. Yeah. You can see how Karlygash is starting to realize that the past is haunting the present and there are people in the present that remind her of the past. We have a double whammy like that, when you have a boss in the present who reminds you of your mean uncle or mean aunts from the past, it all can feel like too much. When you recognize it and process it and work through it, then cake becomes cake and it's something that you have for dessert or at tea or whatever rather than your best friend and your worst enemy.

Okay. Again, if you would like to join me, the number's 323-203-0815. 323-203-0815. I want to continue with someone had asked me if I would finish what I had started a few weeks ago which was giving some tips on how to feel good about yourself no matter what your weight. One of those tips is sexy is not a size. Sexy is an attitude. It is an attitude that makes you desirable, appealing, exciting, and interesting. It is not a number on the scale.

Another tip. Take care of your body. It is where you live. Don't wait until you are thinner, stronger, tighter, or lighter to appreciate your body. Take care of your body just as you would all your most important stuff. Your body is your most important and valuable home and it needs TLC. It needs care.

Appreciate all that your body can do. Your body can give life and take you through life, whether you are playing with kids or going on vacation. Remember vacation? I miss vacation. I miss going to restaurants. I miss going out, I miss giving hugs. I miss getting hugs. There's so much I miss. Whether you're going on a walk or socially distancing from people and seeing each other, realize your body is pretty amazing. You just really want to take care of it.

Promise yourself today to stop letting the size of your jeans or the number on the scale dictate how you feel about yourself. Think about your best friend. Think about someone you love. Would you like them better if they lost weight? Have you ever said, “Wow, I really like so-and-so, but I would like them so much better if they would just lose 20 or 30 or 100 pounds? Oh my God, they would be so much better, I would love them so much better?” No. No. Of course not. You would never in a million years think that you would like someone better if they would just lose weight. What makes you think that you will feel better about yourself for the same reason?

Remember this. The bathroom scale is a piece of plastic and metal. Don't let a piece of plastic and metal have so much power over you. Think about why people love you. Is it your fabulous sense of humor? Is it your amazing hugs, even the Zoom kind? Is it your creativity, your generosity, your kindness, your kindness to animals, your humor? Just who you are? Are you just fun, are you just nice, are you just calm, are you just someone that makes them feel better? There is so much more to you than the number on the scale.

Think about those tips. Think about that, because we can get into a place where we just look at what we don't like. I'm not saying hey, just accept yourself as you are. Accept your body as you are. There's always things that we want to change. Just accept it in context. Don't make it the most important thing in the world to be fitter or thinner or whatever it is you want to change abour yourself. Make it part of being a healthier you, but don't make it the criteria for your self-esteem. Okay.

Recently, I did a post called Five New Rules About Exercise That Might Surprise You. I did a post on Facebook and people really loved it. I wanted to share it with you. It's called, again, Five New Rules About Exercise That Might Surprise You. Josh is also asking me on Instagram, “Are you worried about getting the vaccine?” You know what, Josh? I am not worried about getting the vaccine. I am worried about getting COVID. I am worried about not enough of us getting the vaccine. That's what I'm worried about. I think this vaccine has been vetted and it is important that we all get it. That's my thought. Before I start talking about exercise, we have another caller. Welcome to the show, caller.

Jeannine:
Hi, Dr. Nina. It's Jeanine. How are you?

Dr. Nina:
Hi, Jeannine.

Jeannine:
I'm good. Thank you. I'm excited I can talk to you on a Wednesday afternoon. That's unusual for me, but I'm happy. It's good.

Dr. Nina:
Awesome.

Jeannine:
I was actually calling because I know it's about being kind to yourself and feeling your feelings and I totally get that. I've been really having this urge for at least a week or two to download a diet app or count calories or join all those advertisements that they have for what to eat and how to eat. Just a tracker. I felt like oh, if I eat to avoid my feelings then I'm never going to feel it because I have to restrict so I can feel it. I can feel all of those old messages coming really strongly and I just wanted to kind of get those out of my head I guess.

Dr. Nina:
I'm so glad that you called because I hear this often. This suddenly the diet starts calling. The oh, maybe I should just go back to that, maybe I should just go back to that thinking. Let me ask you this. If you weren't thinking about dieting, if you weren't thinking about all of that, what would be on your mind?

Jeannine:
What would be on my mind? As far as the answer would be the amount that I weight would be on my mind. Oh, I'm overweight, I'm fat. That would be on my mind.

Dr. Nina:
Okay. Then you know what? I have a magic wand in my office that everyone tells me works, just slowly, but if I were to take my magic wand and wave it over you and say, “Jeannine, I am taking away immediately all thoughts of diet, food, exercise, and weight, anything related to that, you couldn't think about that, your mind cannot have those thoughts,” what would be left? What would you be worried about or bothered about or upset about if you weren't able to think about any of those things?

Jeannine:
I guess it would be having to deal with what I'm doing, what's the next step I'm going to take in my marriage I guess it would be. That would be the answer to that one.

Dr. Nina:
Okay. That was a very brave answer. You're having some issues with your marriage.

Jeannine:
Right.

Dr. Nina:
Do you feel comfortable sharing just a little bit about what you mean by having to think about the issues? Is it about making a decision?

Jeannine:
Just that I feel like the right thing for me to do is to get out of my marriage. It's something I've wanted for a long, long, long, long time, but I often have trouble letting myself have what I want. It starts with the roller coaster, the impact it has on, even though my son's 18 now, but he's not graduated high school yet. Having to move. The family. Making my husband feel bad. All of that.

Jeannine:
All the impacts of everybody else, what it would do for everybody else comes up for me, which is hard to deal with because I'm always worried about everybody else. The other side of that is that I'm afraid if I won't let myself do it and then I'm going to really hate myself. I know that it's the right thing for me, but then worried that I'm not going to have the courage to do it.

Dr. Nina:
Okay. You have very real feelings in the present about a future that isn't here. You have anxiety or guilt you have not crated. You have not left your husband. You have not had to deal with your family, you have not done all that, but you have these intense feelings now just at the thought of doing that. It is easier to think about losing weight that it is to think about dealing with these situation and the feelings and the conflict and all that comes with leaving your marriage.

Jeannine:
Right. That's true.

Dr. Nina:
This is weighing heavily on you, obviously.

Jeannine:
Right. Yeah.

Dr. Nina:
I just want to acknowledge your courage in even sharing that and saying that.

Jeannine:
I mean I even know where I'm moving. I even found a place, and I've got everything except what feels like the final step of actually taking the plunge. It's just it feels a little overwhelming. Not a little overwhelming, it feels very overwhelming. If I didn't have to worry about anybody else, I would do it. If I only worried about me it would be fine.

Dr. Nina:
My friend Kelley Gunter who is my co-host, is that the right term? I'm not sure, in my Binge-Free Babes community, she has a saying and it is, “Don't set yourself on fire to keep everybody else warm.”

Jeannine:
I love it.

Dr. Nina:
I think that applies very much to you. Here's the thing, Jeannine. Clearly thinking about dieting and all of that is a distraction from all of this weighty stuff, all of the heaviness about leaving and what it would do to your family and the guilt about leaving your husband and all of that. You have to just think about it as one step at a time. Instead of globally, okay, what do you imagine? You said your son is still in high school. What do you imagine and then what's the fear and then what's the reality?

Jeannine:
What do I? I'm so sorry, because I was getting a beat in the … What do I imagine, what do I fear, and then what else did you say?

Dr. Nina:
What is your fear and what is the reality? The fear is that you tell your son you're getting a divorce and then what?

Jeannine:
He knows. That's already been … He's already seen the place to move to and all that. It's me and my own guilt about leaving somebody who's needy and emotionally unstable as my husband.

Dr. Nina:
You're afraid that if you leave your husband, he will be in such a terrible state because you left that the idea of hurting him is causing you to stay stuck.

Jeannine:
I think I'm afraid that me leaving makes me a bad person. That makes me-

Dr. Nina:
Why would it make you a bad person?

Jeannine:
He's needy and I'm the giver. It would disrupt my son from the family, not that he wouldn't have both of us, but it would be different. It goes back to me. If I'm not giving, I'm bad. If I'm not sacrificing myself, if I'm not … All that stuff.

Dr. Nina:
If someone else is cold and you fail to set yourself on fire, you're a bad person.

Jeannine:
I mean seriously. I know that's illogical when you say it like that, but I think because I grew up just having to meet really emotionally unstable people's needs, and I did. That's how I survived. I had to. That's what's happening.

Dr. Nina:
There's an idea that you've taken as a truth, that if you don't sacrifice yourself to make other people happy, then you're a bad person.

Jeannine:
Right.

Dr. Nina:
That somehow other people's needs are more important than yours?

Jeannine:
For sure. I definitely think other people's needs are more important than mine, for sure. That was … Go ahead.

Dr. Nina:
The important thing to do is to challenge that idea that you are supposed to give up you to make other people happy, and that if you choose not to give up you that that reflects poorly on you and that means you are a bad person. I know logically you know that's not true.

Jeannine:
Right.

Dr. Nina:
I think I know. Maybe that's wishful thinking on that part. You logically, rationally, you know you're not a bad person if you leave.

Jeannine:
Right.

Dr. Nina:
It feels like-

Jeannine:
I do that idea.

Dr. Nina:
It feels like-

Jeannine:
Right.

Dr. Nina:
You're a bad person.

Jeannine:
Exactly.

Dr. Nina:
How old is the feeler of the bad feelings? First age that comes to mind?

Jeannine:
I mean my first thought was five.

Dr. Nina:
Five years old. First association of being five?

Jeannine:
What was my first association with being five?

Dr. Nina:
Yeah. Memory.

Jeannine:
I don't know. My first response is that's when I realized that people thought I was fat.

Dr. Nina:
If you were fat.

Jeannine:
Which I wasn't, but they thought that I was. It's so weird. They told me I was, but I really wasn't. I have pictures, but they were just so weirdly obsessively thin, but they said I was fat but I really wasn't. It's just the weirdest mind game and it's really sad.

Dr. Nina:
I think there's a little bit of a parallel at five you were told you were fat and you weren't, and now you want to leave your husband and you feel like that would make you bad and you're not.

Jeannine:
Interesting. That's a good point.

Dr. Nina:
Very … Go on. Sorry.

Jeannine:
No, you go.

Dr. Nina:
No, you go. I would much rather hear from you.

Jeannine:
I just feel like I somehow am trying to convince the crazy people in my life that what they're saying isn't true. Oh no, I am really good. I'm really not fat. I don't know. It feels like a vicious cycle of insanity. I was so helpless back then of course. By the way, what parent tells their child that they're fat, especially at five, especially a female? I mean it's just insane. A five year old, it's just crazy. When I say it logically, I can see the ludicrousness of it all for sure. The emotional impact is still there.

Dr. Nina:
There's some part of you that's proving you're not bad, that you're a good. Somehow the proof of that is look at how much I give up to take care … I will suffer. I don't matter. I will not let myself matter. Actually, as I say that-

Jeannine:
That's a good point.

Dr. Nina:
As I say that, it's almost like you weren't treated as if you mattered. To your point, what mother tels her five year old daughter she's fat? Boo.

Jeannine:
Yeah.

Dr. Nina:
Ronan can we get some large crowd booing? If you hear this, ew, that's just wrong.

Jeannine:
Right. That's so wrong.

Dr. Nina:
Yeah. It's very wrong. It's like I'm wondering if you had to take care of other people to even get along in that family? Did you learn early on that you had to give up you, give up any hope for being cared for and care for them?

Jeannine:
I mean absolutely. My mother is a narcissist and my dad flat out told all of us kids that we had to take care of our mother. He would say those words. “You need to take care of your mother, you need to worry about your mother, you need to do what your mother wants.” I mean that was drilled over and over again to the point where when I was crying when my grandmother died, my dad said, “It's your mother you should be worrying about.” I wasn't even allowed to express grief.

Dr. Nina:
I have an idea, Jeannine, which is your mother was very narcissistic and she didn't care about the feelings of other people at all. She thought it was all about her. If you think about you, then it's like you're as bad as she was, a bad person who only thinks about herself, not about other people. It's as if you could either be her, which is all about herself and not think about the feelings of anyone else, including her five year old daughter and I'm sure up until now, or you were like you, which is give up you and make sure you take care of everybody else. Be the opposite of your mom.

Jeannine:
Right.

Dr. Nina:
Perhaps this fear of leaving your husband and because of what he'll feel is that you're afraid that that makes you a narcissist as bad as your mom.

Jeannine:
Exactly. I feel like it's so black and white. I just want to be completely opposite of her in every way. I don't want to do … I hear you. I think what you're saying is absolutely right.

Dr. Nina:
The pendulum has gone too far the other direction. There's being selfless, which is it's all about you, I don't matter, which is kind of where you are, and which leaves you empty and which food can fill you up or thinking about dieting can distract you, or there's selfish which is hey, you don't matter. It's all about me. Both of those are extremes. In between is hey, self care means I'm going to take care of myself sometimes and I'm going to take care of other people sometimes. I'm going to figure out-

Jeannine:
Balance.

Dr. Nina:
Balance. You are not your mother if you leave your bad marriage. You are not your mother. You are a woman who's taking care of herself.

Jeannine:
Which is even being in a healthier relationship would be the total opposite of her, too. You know what I mean? Just giving and staying is of course the opposite of her, but taking care of myself and being in a healthy relationship is also the opposite of her. I can still be the opposite of her. I obviously would never, at least I don't think I ever, ever, ever would turn into a narcissist or could be one, because it's just not who I am. I don't think I ever could do that.

Dr. Nina:
People either are or they're not. They don't suddenly become. A switch does not flip and suddenly they go from one thing to another. No, you're not going to be your mother. You're just going to be someone who's going to think about herself for a change in an appropriate way.

Jeannine:
Right. In a healthy mature way, I'm a way that's a gift to myself, which is what I really need. It's like of course I married a needy person so I could take care of him, just like I take care of my mother. It's just insane. I have to get free. I want to and I will. I just need to take the steps emotionally to be able to handle it, so that I don't freak out or run back when I do take the steps.

Dr. Nina:
You took a big step today by stepping away from dieting and realizing the lure of that is to distract you from what we ended up talking about.

Jeannine:
Right.

Dr. Nina:
To realize that you are not a narcissist if you do what's right for you.

Jeannine:
Okay. Very good point. Thank you so much. It's always so wonderful talking to you. You're amazing.

Dr. Nina:
Oh, thank you Jeannine. I'm so glad you called. So glad you called.

Jeannine:
I'm glad to talk to you.

Dr. Nina:
Okay. Take good care and let me know what happens.

Jeannine:
Okay. Thanks. I will. Okay. Thank you. Bye.

Dr. Nina:
Ronan, do we have room for one more person? I think I saw that we had someone else. Hello, caller? Hello? Hi, caller.

Kelley Gunter:
Hello.

Dr. Nina:
Hello.

Kelley Gunter:
Hello.

Dr. Nina:
Who's this?

Kelley Gunter:
This is Kelley.

Dr. Nina:
I thought so. I was like, I know that voice. Ha-ha. Kelley. Kelley.

Kelley Gunter:
Who is this?

Dr. Nina:
Who is this?

Kelley Gunter:
Yes.

Dr. Nina:
This isn't … Wait. Is this Kelley Gunter?

Kelley Gunter:
This is Kelley Gunter.

Dr. Nina:
This is Nina.

Kelley Gunter:
Nina, oh, I could barely hear you. It's so different that I didn't recognize your voice. Hello. Good. I'm glad I'm through.

Dr. Nina:
That's pretty funny. I recognized Kelley's voice and she did not recognize my voice even though she's calling me. Kelley is my co-host of the Binge-Free Babes program. What a surprise? I guess you were hearing that so many people were on today. It's good to hear from you. What's going on Kelley?

Kelley Gunter:
Yes. I was listening and I just thought I would speak to the manager first before they put me through. That was the confusion. No, I just was listening and I thought how powerful it was when Karlygash was speaking about how the past really infiltrates the future if we allow it to. I just thought about how we work with the people in our group every week with that, about learning to not allow the past to control us. I was so moved by that I just had to call in.

Dr. Nina:
Oh, I'm so glad you did. Yeah. I mean, as you know, the whole premise of the work that I do and that we do in the group is that we're haunted by the past. We think it's behind us but it has everything we do with what we deal with in the present. I think my last caller Jeannine also, that was so beautifully presented in a way that it was because she had this narcissistic mother that she's so afraid of being narcissistic herself, and that's kept her stuck.

Kelley Gunter:
Yes.

Dr. Nina:
To realize how is the past haunting your present and how is food and dieting and all of that distracting from or expressing what's going on. As you know, I feel like a detective. Oh, I'm a detective of the mind and in the group in Binge-Free Babes, we're detectives. We're like okay, we're going to solve the mystery of why you're feeling this way or why you're eating that or what's going on. It's really so amazing when you realize it's not about what you're eating, it's about what's eating at you, that's where all the gold is and that's where all the change comes.

Kelley Gunter:
Absolutely. I tell you all the time, you are the sharp shooter of the soul. You can dig in there and spot what's going on and help people figure it out. I just think it's a powerful, powerful lesson. We can lose all the weight that we want. I lost 243 pounds, I kept it off for 18 years but I didn't heal that pain and it came and it got me. You cannot run fast enough to get away from the past if you don't let it heal, if you don't work through those issues. You are magnificent at always being able to zero in and help people figure that out. I just see people every day who think losing weight is going to be the answer to all of their problems and it just isn't if you don't do the internal work as well.

Dr. Nina:
Yeah. Who knows that better than you? That was so beautifully articulated in your book, You Have Such a Pretty Face, which of course you talk about that weight loss and the aftermath. That you thought losing 243 pounds was going to bring you a happy life and it did not. What brought you a happy life was dealing with-

Kelley Gunter:
Absolutely did not. It spiraled from addiction to addiction to addiction until ultimately I had to deal with what was working in the control room of my soul just calling all the shots. I just think people have every right to heal and to figure it out, and that's why each week I'm just so excited to be a part of helping the women in the fabulous group that we have because they're doing the hard work and they're getting the results. I think that's what's really the most powerful thing about the group is that people are seeing results and seeing the changes in their day-to-day life. That's what's going to work forever, not dieting.

Dr. Nina:
Amen to that. You know I'm not an amen type of person, but I know you are. Amen to that.

Kelley Gunter:
It's helping people heal.

Dr. Nina:
Absolutely. That's-

Kelley Gunter:
I wish there would have been a Dr. Nina in my life 18 years ago. You could have spared me a lot of pain and a lot of trouble and a lot of agony.

Dr. Nina:
I'm glad that I'm in your life now and you're in my life. I just want to just bring attention to what you just said, which was helping people heal. So often people think they have so much shame. They think there's something wrong with them. They have no willpower. They have no control. They're just riddled with shame, which is a feeling that there's something wrong with them.

To be able to challenge that and realize, no, it's not about anything being wrong with you. There's something wrong with the way you're thinking about yourself. That is everything. Oh my gosh, Maya is writing, “You and Kelly deserve Nobel Peace Prizes, Oscars, Grammys, Emmys and Pulitzer Prizes for all you've done for us.” Wow. That is-

Kelley Gunter:
Yes. You know, Maya wrote that, but Maya's one of the warriors in there fighting for her life and fighting for her worth and doing all the hard work. Nina, there are so many people out there suffering, and your suffering can come to an end, but like you say every week, Nina, you can't heal what you refuse to feel. You can run from it as long as you want. I'm the perfect example of that. The one thing I couldn't outrun was myself. Once I was able to heal, everything in my life changed.

Dr. Nina:
Yeah. You are a living example that weight loss doesn't change your life.

Kelley Gunter:
Nope.

Dr. Nina:
Changing the relationship to yourself changes your life. Then you move forward into life feeling good and not having to worry about what you're eating or what you're not eating or willpower or this is good and this is bad. Just being liberated from that is everything.

Kelley Gunter:
Food is not your enemy. Unhealed trauma is the enemy.

Dr. Nina:
Yeah. Food is not your-

Kelley Gunter:
You know what? I was just going to say, we'll take the Nobel Peace Prize. I don't think we'll win, but hey, I appreciate it.

Dr. Nina:
I feel like I've just been nominated personally, don't you?

Kelley Gunter:
Right. [crosstalk 00:50:40]

Dr. Nina:
The honor is being nominated.

Kelley Gunter:
Something.

Dr. Nina:
What you just said, which is that you can heal and you can live the life that you want. You embody that and that is behind everything that you do and I do. I'm so glad that you called to share that and for all of you out there, you've heard me talk about Kelley. I even talked about you earlier, Kelley. I brought up your oft-used expression, “Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” Here you are. Everyone, this is Kelley. Kelley, you have brought us to the end of the show today. I am so glad that you were able to call in and join me today. I hope you'll call in again and maybe-

Kelley Gunter:
I will.

Dr. Nina:
Yes, maybe you'll be on the show sometime again. I know you've been here in person. That's how we met, but maybe we'll figure out something virtual. That is our show for today. Thank you for joining me here on the Dr. Nina Show here on LA Talk Radio. I am here live every Wednesday at 11:00 AM pacific, or you can listen later on Apple podcasts or anywhere where you get podcasts. If you want to join the Binge-Free Babes, please go to bingefreebabes.com. I also have a new webinar on my brand new website. Go to drninainc, D-R-N-I-N-A-I-N-C, dot com. Watch the webinar and get more information about what it is that I'm doing and what it is that Kelley and I are doing in the Binge-Free Babes. We hope that you will join us and I hope that you'll join me next week, next Wednesday. Stay well, stay healthy, stay safe, and I'll see you next week. Bye for now.

Speaker 2:
You're listening to the Dr. Nina show with Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin, only on LA Talk Radio.