Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin
Why Can’t I Stop Eating? The Hidden Truth Behind Binge Eating and Emotional Eating
Ever feel like food is your best friend and worst enemy? No matter how hard you try, you end up wondering: Why can’t I stop eating?
In reality, it’s not really about the food—it’s about why you’re eating, not what you’re eating. In this blog, we’ll explore how deprivation fuels binge eating, why being kinder to yourself matters, and what emotional eating is trying to tell you about your unmet needs.
Deprivation vs. Permission: The Story of the Daily Milkshake
The struggle with food often stems from deprivation. The 60 billion-dollar diet industry has conditioned us to believe that we must restrict certain foods to maintain a healthy lifestyle or achieve our ideal body image.
This mindset leads to the dreaded diet-binge cycle, as evidenced by one of my clients, Christa, who came to me because she was obsessed with vanilla milkshakes. Every day after work, she would stop at a local shop for a milkshake despite her resolve to avoid them.
She couldn’t stop thinking about these forbidden milkshakes, vowing not to have one after work. But her willpower failed every time.
The Cycle of Deprivation and Binge Eating
Deprivation or even the anticipation of deprivation makes us want something even more. The more Christa resolved to skip the milkshake, the more she wanted it. We want what we cannot have. But why is that?
- Emotional Tension: Deprivation creates psychological tension, which builds up until the craving feels overwhelming. The more we tell ourselves we can’t have something, the more emotionally charged it becomes and the more we want it.
- Scarcity Mindset: When we believe something is off-limits, it triggers a fear of scarcity—“What if I never get to have this again?” This makes the urge stronger and harder to resist.
- Rebellion Response: When we deprive ourselves, a part of us rebels against that restrict. We rebel againt our self-imposed rules, which can lead to eating the very thing we’ve told ourselves we can’t have.
- Reward: Our minds associate “forbidden” items with reward and pleasure. When something is labeled as off-limits, we basically put it on a pedestal, making it seem even more desirable.
So, when we deprive ourselves, we set the stage for a psychological tug-of-war that’s hard to win. The key to change isn’t more willpower–it’s understanding what’s driving that craving in the first place.
Here’s a video that shows why your diet plan does not work as expected:
The Unconventional Approach: Permission
To help Christa break the cycle of broken vows and the ensuing guilt, I suggested something unconventional—I told her to have a milkshake every day for the following week.
At first, she was taken aback. How could I, as an eating disorder therapist, recommend indulging in something she believed was “bad” for her?
My idea was rooted in the concept of permission — a powerful tool in changing your relationship with food. A 2008 study* on food cravings found that when participants had permission to eat their “forbidden” foods, they ate less. Researchers had expected that unrestricted access would lead to overeating or binging, but to their surprise, the opposite happened.
This finding highlights a crucial psychological truth: when we make certain foods off-limits, we intensify their appeal. In contrast, permitting ourselves to enjoy those foods reduces their power over us.This study is a perfect example of how food rules backfire and shows that the way we think about food plays a much bigger role in our relationship with it than the food itself.
When Christa knew she could eat a milkshake any time, she then had more of a choice, and stopped thinking about them all the time.
Instead of forbidding herself to have milkshakes, her attitude transformed into one of choice, and she found she could enjoy them once in a while–without guilt.
The Transformation
Despite misgivings, Christa promised to get a milkshake every day until our next appointment a week later. Four days later, she left a voicemail asking to stop having the milkshakes. She was sick of them and didn’t think she could even look at another milkshake.
What has changed?
Deprivation made her want that milkshake more than ever. When I instructed her to have them, she had the freedom to decide whether she wanted one. That’s when she got sick of them.
The anticipation of deprivation diminished, and the feelings of guilt that had previously accompanied her indulgences were replaced with a sense of freedom.
When we allow ourselves to have what we crave, we can decide if we truly want it or not. This process of normalizing food choices leads to a more balanced relationship with eating.Rather than being controlled by cravings, we start to listen to our bodies and make more conscious choices.
This story highlights an important principle: when we stop viewing food as the enemy and instead create an attitude of permission-based food neutrality, we create a healthy relationship with eating.
Understanding the cycle of deprivation versus permission is crucial for anyone struggling with binge eating or emotional eating.
Food Is Not the Enemy: Reframe Your Relationship
The concept of food neutrality is that food isn’t inherently “good” or “bad.” We often “moralize” our eating habits, labeling ourselves as “good” for eating salad or “bad” for eating cake. And, of course, the diet mentality reinforces these beliefs.
The Dangers of Diet Mentality
- Restriction and Cravings: The more we restrict certain foods, the more we crave them. This creates a vicious cycle of binging and guilt.
- All-or-Nothing Thinking: Viewing food through a moral lens fosters an all-or-nothing mentality, where one “slip” leads to giving up entirely on healthy eating.
- Long-Term Effects: This mindset can lead to disordered eating patterns and a negative relationship with food, making it challenging to maintain a healthy lifestyle over the long term.
We aren’t bad because we eat chocolate; we’ve simply eaten chocolate. The labels we assign to food trickle into how we perceive ourselves, creating guilt and shame that perpetuates unhealthy eating behaviors.
The Other Reasons Behind Binge Eating and Emotional Eating
Emotional eating isn’t about food; as you have seen, deprivation can cause binge eating. Yet ultimately, binge eating and emotional eating is a way of coping with stress, loneliness, anger, anxiety, and anything else that bothers you. Eating or even thinking about food can serve as a distraction from painful emotions or thoughts.
If you reach for cake or cookies when you’re upset, bored, or trying to comfort yourself, pause and ask yourself: What problem is this food solving for me right now?
This is often at the core of the question, “Why can’t I stop eating?” which reflects the hidden emotional connections that drive binge and emotional eating.
Perhaps you need comfort or distraction from difficult feelings. Maybe you’re lonely and symbolically filling a void. Whatever is going on, binging or emotional eating signifies that something is upsetting and you must know how to self-soothe or comfort yourself.
Watch this video if you want to know more about emotional eating:
Final Thoughts: Why I Can’t Stop Eating
Remember, binge eating is not about a lack of willpower or control. It’s a way of coping with difficult emotions, but it’s a strategy that ultimately hurts you.
The key to breaking the cycle is to understand why you’re eating and address the root causes of your emotional needs.
By giving yourself permission to eat and responding to your emotions with kindness, you can change your relationship with food — and with yourself.
*Soetens, B., Braet, C., Van Vlierberghe, L., & Roets, A. (2008). Resisting temptation: Effects of exposure to a forbidden food on eating behaviour. Appetite, 51(1), 202-205. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appet.2008.01.007
Frequently Asked Questions
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why can’t I stop eating?” you’re not alone. Many people struggle with binge and emotional eating, often without understanding the underlying reasons. In this section, we’ll answer common questions about why these behaviors happen and how to create a healthier relationship with food.
1. Why can’t I stop eating, no matter how hard I try?
Binge and emotional eating aren’t about lack of willpower. They’re often coping mechanisms for dealing with difficult emotions, stress, or deprivation. Instead of focusing on food, it’s important to understand why you’re eating. Addressing emotional needs and giving yourself permission to eat can help reduce the urge to binge.
2. How does deprivation fuel binge eating?
When we restrict certain foods, it creates a psychological tension that builds until the craving feels overwhelming. Deprivation triggers a scarcity mindset, making you want the food more. The more you try to avoid a food, the stronger its appeal becomes, leading to the diet-binge cycle.
3. What is the “permission-based” approach to eating?
Permission-based eating means allowing yourself to enjoy all foods without guilt or restriction. By giving yourself permission to eat previously “forbidden” foods, they lose their emotional charge. This reduces cravings and creates a healthier, more balanced relationship with food.
4. Why do I feel guilty after eating certain foods?
Diet culture often labels foods as “good” or “bad,” which can make you feel guilty when eating something deemed “unhealthy.” Reframing your mindset around food neutrality—where no food is inherently good or bad—helps remove this guilt and promotes a positive relationship with food.
5. How can I break the cycle of binge and emotional eating?
Start by identifying what triggers your eating. Is it stress, boredom, loneliness, or something else? Then, work on addressing those emotional needs directly. Alongside this, practice permission-based eating and focus on developing a more compassionate relationship with yourself and your body.
The Author
Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin is a renowned author and podcast host and one of the nation’s leading psychoanalysts known for the psychology of eating. Her signature message of, “It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating ‘at’ you” has resonated with hundreds of thousands of listeners from around the globe in 40 countries. As founder of The Binge Cure Method, she guides emotional eaters to create lasting food freedom so they can take back control of their lives and feel good in their bodies.
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